Searching for the Right Mix—Does Chemistry Count?

Contributed by Aaron

Monday, 24 October 2005

My roommate is a dope dealer. Actually, he’s a pharmacist.  Although he's the last person on earth who would be involved in dealing illegal, illicit drugs, I've appropriately nicknamed him to capture the irony.     Now if you ask the dope dealer, he'll likely tell you that chemistry is vital to making successful meds. Without the right combo of elements, everyone involved is going to remain sick, get hurt or get in trouble.   Now, when it comes to relationships, how important is chemistry?   Once upon a time (okay, it was this past summer), I caught wind that a girl I knew was "interested" in me. I was relatively attracted to her and knew she was a great person, but I hadn't really thought about going after her. Still, I decided to investigate—no harm, right?   Wrong. My first “marriable” man penalty was being reactive—men were made to chase. She wasn't someone I really wanted to pursue, but it had been a while since my last relationship, and it appeared I already had her hooked—I only had to reel her in. (I know, it’s pathetic.)   Plus, all the “marriable” stats were there: she had beauty, intelligence, a strong faith, driven, amazing motherly instincts, high morals and compassion—she was “the perfect girl.” We started emailing, which turned into coffee, which turned into phone calls, you know the drill…   My best friends started telling me that I'd be a fool to let her get away. I was telling my parents that all the “marriable” stats were in place—I was about to draft the perfect woman.   Then I realized dating isn't fantasy football.   We hit a roadblock: nothing was happening. We weren't clicking. I pawned it off by convincing myself that "it'll probably take time to develop chemistry," and, "we're just going to get to know each other and be friends until we take the next step."   My passivity and her lack of motivating me to act was a lethal combo. There was no anticipation of the chase, no mystery, and no excitement; it was almost like we signed a pre-date-nuptial agreement of "This looks like it’ll work, so let's get this thing moving."   We were like oil and water. Flirting was at drastically low levels. Conversations were filled with awkwardness and plenty of "how about the weather?" and "my dog knew some really great tricks" moments. Determined, we kept forging ahead on the golden path of denial based on our mutually agreeable statistics.   The game was a flop.   In the end, it was obvious we weren't right for each other, we finally got it out in the open and parted ways, wished each other well, and prayed we could minimize the "Things got weird, didn't they?" moments in the future.   Game summary: a total of three "marriable" man penalties given to reactive nice guy: 1) Men are the pursuers 2) Just being friends is a waste of time, and 3) If the mojo isn't there, move on.     Women: be cautious of a passive man. If you have to initiate everything, chances are he's not giving you 100 percent and what he gives you won't last. Men: only go after women you are truly interested in.   It's only fair.   Finally, instant chemistry or "love at first sight" is a bit unrealistic, but if you are looking at marriage, you want to be able to derive energy from the other person. You need to "get" each other. This includes a certain level of physical energy (preferably potential, not kinetic).   Lesson learned: a lack of tension leads to a lack of attention. If it’s not there, you’ll know it.   Read “marriable” to find out how you can pursue the right mix in relationships.

Last Updated ( Wednesday, 26 October 2005 )